Tale #48: I’ve Got A Package

Whenever people ask me if I have a favorite musical, I usually hem and haw and debate for a few minutes before refusing to answer and walking away.

With so many amazing musicals out there, it is impossible to choose just one favorite.

When the powers that be at the licensing companies realized how many favorite musicals the youth of america had, they created junior versions of hit titles including Guys and Dolls, 42nd Street, Hairspray, and Legally Blonde. That ways kids could have the chance to perform in some of their favorite musicals in a way that was age appropriate, and the licensing companies and show creators could make even more money off of their popular shows.

Now, many of these musicals have adult themes and adult humor that has to be modified to make a script age appropriate for young performers. Some lines and songs are altered while others are cut altogether due to adult content.

In Chicago High School Edition instead of “you’ve been screwing the milkman” it is “you’ve been seeing the milkman”. In Hairspray Jr., the song “Baltimore Crabs” is cut. In The Addams Family Young@Part, all of the sexual jokes between Gomez and Morticia are erased.

The essence of the show remains intact while awkward and inappropriate things coming out of the mouths of children are prevented.

However, kids are smart. They’ve seen the full length versions, they listen to the full broadway cast recordings, they know what’s been cut. Without fail, they always ask if we can put some of the cut material back in.

Sometimes, the crude humor is obviously inappropriate. Therefore, it’s easy to explain to kids why it can’t be in their version of the show. However, sometimes lines that carry innuendo get cut or altered and kids don’t understand why it can’t be in there as written.

In the Fall of 2018, I directed a production of Legally Blonde Jr. for kids in grades 5-8. I was a huge fan of the musical when it came out in 2007 and saw it multiple times on Broadway.

When I got the script for the junior version, I was surprised and a little nervous. They cut a lot but not as much as I thought they would have for a youth version. Brooke Windham still discusses her liposuction, Margo still sings about her abs and her thighs in “Bend and Snap”, and Callahan still attempts to have a physical relationship with Elle which she rejects and is fired for.

With so many things in the script that I personally felt were hugging the line between appropriate and not, I knew I would have to treat this show very delicately and make sure nothing more snuck back into this script.

The FedEx man is a beloved character by both fans of the movie and fans of the musical alike. In the musical, he has this, how do I put this delicately, cheesy pornstar-esque music that plays during his entrance in the show.

In the full Broadway version, the FedEx man walks out and says “I’ve got a package.” He then stands there for a few seconds in his power pose while the audience laughs at the innuendo. Then he continues to strut across the stage over to Paulette while the slinky music plays.

Now, in our junior version, the music was still there. However, the FedEx man is simply supposed to say “I’ve got a package for Miss Paulette Bonafante” as nice and sweet as can be.

What does our 13-year-old FedEx man do when we run the scene for the first time?

“I’ve got a package!”

“Nope! Nuh uh. No no no! Stop! No!” I hollered from my director folding table.

I explained that he had to say the line exactly as written in the script. He kept arguing with me and since I was not about to explain why he couldn’t say it like he wanted to, I told him just to stop arguing and do it like I said because I was the director.

I used that logic a lot when working with children.

While the line was said properly in each performance, watching a 13-year-old strut across the stage to that music still made me feel very uneasy.

However, that feeling of discomfort was nothing compared to watching a ten year old discuss her recent liposuction while wearing a prison uniform.

Who on earth let me pick this show?